New Birth Old Birth

If you know me or have been following my blog, you know that there is an enormous amount of change happening in my life just now. You may even know that this is not unusual for me. Perhaps, this is why my specialty with clients has become facilitating your journey through whatever change and transition your life may present to you.

I have encountered so many people lately going through major shifts in their lives. Maybe you are one of them. As I answer questions and review the applications of potential trainees for my new trainings starting in November, I repeatedly encounter the challenges that arise when we consider or intend to make a new beginning.

Each time we start something new in our lives, it is as if we are going through a birth. Our tendency at such times is to re-enact how we actually came into this life when we were born.

You may wonder how we could re-enact our birth later in life. “I don’t even remember my birth!” you might say. Your body, however, remembers what you may not be aware of consciously.

How do you do transition and change? Do you embrace it with open arms? Do you get excited thinking about it ahead of time, then find yourself struggling to stay present when it actually happens. Or do you want to run away from the new event, or to resist it in some other way?

The Imprint of Birth

Research in Prenatal and Birth Psychology demonstrates that babies born early tend to be early for events throughout their lives. Those who had an unusual presentation at birth, like a breech (foot or butt first) position, tend to enter into new situations in a unique or unusual way. When our birth was accompanied by anesthesia or pain killers, we tend to go into a fog or use drugs when facing stressful or new challenges.

Even if your birth was “normal,” you may find yourself unable to ask for or receive support as you enter a new birth in your life. You might ask how much support your mother received while pregnant and during your birth.

Our modern, western culture tends to not provide adequate support for pregnant and birthing women. New mothers need to know that they are safe, that they do not need to perform for anyone, that they are surrounded by trusted friends, family, and other allies, rather than by strangers. The very act of rushing to hospital interrupts labor and can undermine a new mother’s confidence.

The baby inside may also experience interruption, stress, and the transference of authority to strangers. A baby’s experience at birth sets a strong imprint in both body and psyche that can have lifelong effects.

Awareness is Key

There is much more that could be discussed on the topic of how our birth affects us throughout our lives. For now, I suggest taking some time to consider how you do change and transition in your life. How do you feel and act when encountering new beginnings, and the inevitable endings that go along with them? Think about the times in your life when you have moved, started a new job or relationship, or even entered a new class in school. Write down what you remember of these events in your life. What kinds of emotions did you feel? Did you find ways to distract yourself? How did you help yourself cope with the stress of change? And how do you cope with this in your life now?

Are you encountering a change or considering something new in your life? What holds you back from jumping in, if you are not? What impels you to leap forward, if you do?

As you move through transitions in your life, how do you do them? How do you feel when you get up in the morning? Are you groggy and need to move slowly for awhile? Do you jump out of bed full of enthusiasm for each new day? What happens next? How long does your grogginess or enthusiasm last? How do you get out the door when going somewhere? Do you get stuck somewhere along the way? Many of us experience a sense of frustration as we always find ourselves stuck or as if we are pushing against a hard wall. These feelings can be an expression of birth memories manifesting in our daily lives. In that birth is our first major transition in life, its patterns tend to present in times of transition and change.

I invite you to be curious about this process in your own life, and in those around you. The first step in changing a pattern is becoming aware of it. Once a pattern is no longer unconscious, we have more ability to do something different. If you are holding back from starting something new in your life, I encourage you to investigate if you are engaging in a pattern. Now is the time to shine the light of your awareness on such patterns, and so free yourself to pursue what is important to you. I welcome you to this new phase of your life, whatever that may look like for you.

What is Love?

If you have ever been in the presence of a newborn baby, you know what love looks and feels like. You may have heard declarations that babies are close to God, the Divine, the Mystery. Their little faces present a pure expression of presence.

There are those who would argue that babies are not really capable of love; they are just designed to look cute and lovable to enable their survival. They need us. Their cuteness endears them to us, stimulating us to protect and nourish them. Babies  have instincts to attach as a survival mechanism, but they are not aware of the people around them as individuals and are not capable of truly loving…

Science has historically viewed babies as bundles of reflexes, not really conscious (or human) until they begin to speak and demonstrate their learning and memory. The belief that infants did not feel pain led to the practice of routinely performing surgery on young babies without anesthesia, until remarkably recently.

We now know that babies are human, sentient beings from the moment of conception. Little ones in the womb respond to sounds, stress and attitudes of those around them. Daddy pats mommy’s belly and baby kicks back. Newborns demonstrate a preference for their mothers’ face and voice. Preverbal children clearly demonstrate memory of places they have been earlier in their lives, as well as prenatal experiences, when we take care to listen to how they express themselves.

Little ones may not have words, but their behavior and play patterns communicate exquisitely. Why would they not be capable of love? In fact, those who remember their early days and are able to describe their experiences include reports of feelings of love. They are aware of and care about their mothers, fathers, older siblings, as well as twins they have lost before birth. Even if babies weren’t capable of loving others, I still see babies as a pure expression of love.

What is Love?

How do we define love? We can look at love as being about affectionate feelings for another person, as attachment, longing to be with the other, appreciation for another. Babies demonstrate all of these quite clearly. But, we can look at love another way.

"Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed." - John Tarrant

Love can be defined as presence. Being present. Compare this with fear of what will happen in the future. Compare it with judgment: You are too thin/fat; you should eat more/less. You are too selfish; you should consider others. You are too lazy; get out and do something!… Have any of your relatives or “loved ones” spoken to you like this? Is this an expression of love?

All the ways we judge others or situations take us away from what is. Judgments express a need or wish for things to be other than they are. Rejecting what is, rather than presence, takes us away from love. Love is about being with what is, accepting what is, even if we don’t condone it.

I have never encountered a newborn expressing judgment of others, or themselves. They may not like what is happening and be angry about it, but I have seen no evidence of judging. Babies are present with what is. They fully feel their feelings, and then move on to the next. They are pure expressions of whatever it is in the moment. They are presence. Babies are love. We can learn from them.

Our physiology changes when we shift our awareness from negative thoughts, like judgment, and enter into appreciation and gratitude. The heart functions in a more healthy way as we settle into the present moment. When we shift to appreciation, we come back into acceptance of what is. We return to love.

The Love Hormone

If you watch new parents with their baby, you see appreciation. Their eyes light up. You can almost see, and can definitely feel, their hearts light up. If you observe their baby, you will see the same ignition occurring. Is this love?

Ocytocin, an important hormone supporting birth and bonding, and also secreted during love making, is known as the “love hormone.” It facilitates the kinds of interactions and feelings we associate with love. As a child, I used to have a feeling I described as not knowing whether to laugh or cry. What a beautiful way to speak of love! It touches our hearts. When we are touched, we laugh or cry, or at least feel moved in our hearts. An ocytocin feeling.

Babies are designed to be met with love. We all arrive with a need to be welcomed and loved. We also need to have our love received! None of us, including babies, however, can force our love on those around us. Receptivity is essential.

Not all babies are warmly received and met with love. Some babies arrive unwanted. Their parents may not be ready or able to welcome them into the world for various reasons. Or their parents may be shocked by an unexpected appearance.

Those greeting the newborn arrive with their hopes, fears and judgments: Is it a girl or a boy? (In some cultures and families, one is wanted and the other rejected.) How many toes and fingers does my baby have? Does he look like me? Whose nose is that? Is she breathing adequately? These are normal questions to ensure that the little one is our kin, and is healthy enough to survive. Depending on the culture and family the child is born into, aspects of appearance have varying effects.

In a medical environment, these questions dominate. The fear is enhanced. Doctors are trained to look for dis-ease. Their important orientation unfortunately can entrain everyone at the birth scene to their fear. What happens then to love?

Armor in the Nursery

Have you ever noticed how little ones seem so open and soft? What happens to us as we grow older that we are not all like this? Most psychologists agree that we develop armoring of some kind in our early years. When we are judged, rejected, traumatized or otherwise treated unlovingly as little ones, we must find ways to cope. We develop a harder shell to keep ourselves from feeling the pain.

Our armor can develop in many ways. Some children misbehave or treat younger children or pets disrespectfully. Children tend to act out what has been modeled for them. If they have been abused, shouted at, hit, insulted, spoken to sharply, or hushed, they will act this way with their dolls, animals, or others when possible. Some children become very quiet and good. They try to avoid being mistreated by being invisible. They may also be in a shock state, if they have been unable to integrate how they have been treated.

Whatever style the armor takes, it serves to separate the child from his or her pain. Unfortunately, it also splits the child from a more authentic self. For example, a naturally playful, joyful child, who has been scolded for playing and laughing, may take on a more serious persona in order to survive in this environment.

Little ones are extremely impressionable. We are designed to quickly learn about the environment we find ourselves in. A child born into a gentle, accepting, nurturing family learns how to be in gentleness. A child in a violent family learns violence. It is not quite this simple, however. Babies are impressionable even as they are being born. A child of a gentle family may not be born in the gentleness of that family’s home. A birth involving multiple medical interventions may be experienced as far from gentle by the little one. This experience leaves an imprint. Similarly, a child born into a violent family may also be imprinted by the gentle presence of a birth attendant. I have had many students and clients who have reported that the one resource for them growing up was the kindness of someone outside their immediate family circle. They felt this was what enabled them to get through their childhood.

Having a gentle presence or a nurturing family can serve as an essential resource when being born in a speedy, fear-based hospital setting. Even so, being taken away brusquely from mom and rushed to another room for emergency, often painful interventions, easily overwhelms a newborn. Simply explaining to the little one what is about to happen and why can greatly reduce the effects of interventions, as these little humans attend carefully to what is communicated to them. Unfortunately, this simple step is usually omitted. Often, the parents are also overwhelmed by the situation. Even if they are allowed to be with their baby, they may too much in shock and fear to take supportive action at the time.

Armor Melting

It is not unusual for new families to need quiet time to recover from birth. This may not be available until after they return home from the hospital. Once they are able to settle quietly together, which may take professional support and encouragement, the family begins to process their experience of the birth. Being able to talk about what happened in a calm, accepting environment helps them come to terms with it. Baby also needs to be able to express his or her story. Where the opportunity to fully welcome baby was missed, repair can happen.

As baby and parents settle together, they tend to return to what they know within - a biological template of love. If ocytocin has been overshadowed during the birth, it can surge again. Feelings of hurt, confusion, anger, sadness, even despair, that may have been stimulated by birth, can be expressed and released.

Under these difficult feelings awaits the original one. Love is our essence. Love is our original state. When we return to love, the armor begins to melt. For little ones, melting can occur more readily as the armor has had less time to harden. Fortunately, armor can melt at any time of life. As it melts, our tissues also thaw. Our faces soften and widen. We begin to see and feel what we have barred ourselves from, and we begin to allow ourselves to be seen and felt in ways we have resisted.

Return to Love

As love returns, we come into presence. Instead of orienting to whatever event it was that caused us to become armored, we let go and return to the present. In love, we welcome and receive this moment, as we needed to be welcomed and received at birth.

The greatest challenge often is not about welcoming and receiving others. It is not about loving someone else. The greatest task for most of us is to love, welcome and receive ourselves. Then, we become open to the love that awaits us. As we learn to love ourselves just as we are, regardless of the number of fingers or toes we have, or whatever else we may judge about ourselves or have experience being judged about us, we begin to attract and be attracted to those who can love. In returning to love, we return to our birthright.